The Drift

Another year

2008-11-30T20:36:00.000-08:00

It remains to be seen, at this point, whether The Drift will see the light of day. It certainly won't be 2008

The coming year will be different. My immediate plans are to move and apply to graduate schools. Looking down the barrels of recession and meager wages, I have to figure something out and fast. This film, it seems, will be on the back burner until my short term plans are determined.

There are moments of inspiration that I have to finish this film. Unlike a writer, I cannot merely pick up a pen and write or edit. Filmmaking, at this point, is not a wholly portable medium and it requires chunks of time set aside for shooting and editing. If it is 'on the fly,' it is only so in the pre-production moments of writing or, if one is lucky, production with flick of a switch on a camera. At the moment, I am typically exhausted when I am home and editing or inspiration in general is just not happening.

So, for the coming year, where the political climate will be more habitable and perhaps reasonable, this film may be finished. I worry that its relevance may be over and the political moment in which it was shot is essentially extinct. We have only one president now and it isn't Bush.

I'm still looking for opportunities to finish and time to let the film complete itself. I refuse, however, to finish in a state of haste and rush it out to festivals. It needs to be finished on its own or not at all.

It may be possible that a rough trailer and some clips may appear in this space soon, so keep checking. In the meantime, I will be quite busy and possibly unable to touch The Drift until the new year arrives. I'm hoping a year from now, all will be done.

Unwritten map to sea

2008-09-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

Late afternoon shadows
cast onto your back
as you walked down the sidewalk,
the leaves flashing
across your white shirt
scrolling upwards as you moved away
like your own end credits...
- EVH, Missed Opportunities

In the time that's passed since June of this year, I have completed two short films, May Dailies and Wealth and Work, 12 minutes and 7 minutes respectively. Since February of 2005, The Drift, which has been what I've been most proud of, had the most difficulty with, and am the most frightened of, remains unfinished.

Since beginning this blog, I thought it would essentially motivate me to progress, push me to finish this movie as I documented my most difficult moments, or times of joy. Well, that seemed to have failed. I am not finished and wonder if I ever will be.

I don't really have to finish, I've discovered. It may matter to my friends and to those who I have interviewed for this film. But for myself, the struggle to piece this film together has been all consuming, unnerving, and a near impossibility. I have tried, for sure. But this is such an enormous effort, one in which my attention cannot completely take control of, that I am daunted by the work to be done, and upset that I can't do it alone. I can't hire post-production assistants, editors, or anyone else. I'm in this alone, and in my head, I can see a finished film. Why go beyond that?

I am really trying to finish, though, but can't find the momentum to do so. I have a handful of half-finished scenes, alternate beginnings, and, if I may, some good intentions. But the energy isn't there anymore. I've been so emotionally involved, that The Drift exists as some kind of wild abstraction or a medical condition I can treat with pills. Yeesh.

It doesn't help that I may not have enough material or that there's a good possibility that people may never see this. At this point, I don't need to finish for myself, but some kind of goal would help. But what? Festivals? Eh.

It may come down to me having to not finish at all. I really, really don't want that to be the case. But this entire film is out of my control, because I couldn't really guide it through, couldn't give it the care it needed at times, and perhaps, don't see how it could ever be truly finished. There's an end, yes, and perhaps a beginning. But I haven't been clear-headed enough to fill in the middle.

So, as previous posts, you, dear reader, may gather that this journal is more or less a cataloguing of failures, which is unfortunate but true. I hope that it may be something else, someday. Right now though, it accurately reflects what I am dealing with. But maybe for not much longer.

Helas pour moi

2008-07-10T11:22:00.000-07:00

Having just (barely) picked up this film again, like a half-read book, it's apparent what my biggest problems are.

- An opening scene which was equal parts cloying, humorous and poetic, which I've decided to cut. The scene was shot on day (or rather evening) one, so I was attached to it as a beginning for linear purposes. It's clear that, while there are some lovely elements of this single shot, it's long and unfortunately inconsistent with the rest of the film.

- I have an abundance of found footage, shot by David, his family, friends, and news media. It's difficult, for me, to find the proper places to use all of this material. I am, admittedly, blessed and cursed with all of this footage, so I'm refocusing (at least) the first part of this film to incorporate more, and the latter parts focusing more on the 'present.'

- A mid point revelation, shocking as it was, leaves too many questions unanswered. Without revealing this, I will say that it essentially contradicts everything before and after, calling into question my role as filmmaker and his role as subject. The film seems to pick up where it left off after this, instead of changing directions as much as it could. I may have to shoot a bit more material to flesh this out.

- I'm stuck in a bind, editing wise. As someone who rejects the present day aesthetics of documentary filmmaking (talking heads, coverage, L-cut of talking head over B-roll), I'm trying to find a way to use as much footage as possible without falling into the trap (as I see it) of so many other films. I prefer the traditions of differing filmmakers as Robert Flaherty, Chris Marker, Basil Wright, Jean Rouch, and Frederick Wiseman to the ways of Maysles, Pennebaker, Kopple, and Moore. As much as I want this film to be expressive, occasionally fly on the wall, and work of portraiture, I'm wondering if I'm imagining a film that I don't have.

- Focus, focus, focus. This film shifts so much, with events, changes in David's life, and to be frank, changes in my filmmaking, that I find it a daunting task to tie everything together. Should I take a completely linear route, which would explain all of this, even if it's at the expense of a 'better' film? There are endless starting points, some may work better than others, but it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to find the right one.

- Too close to home. As I've stated before, in many ways this film is one long home movie (a description which, not including my own, encompasses some of my favorite films), so every edit, voice over, L-cut, and extended sequence feels like a violation of some sort, which I suppose is true. But, as much as I hate to admit it, the film may be a bit myopic because of this. The question, though, is whether anyone will want to see it. I suppose that's the eternal question for filmmakers anyway.

So, I'm picking through the mounds of debris left from shooting this film. I guess progress takes time, but I hope this is just the very beginning.

The tyranny of distance

2008-07-03T17:18:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that there's a pattern I've taken with this film: work, become disgruntled, put down for several months, work, get disgruntled, etc. I haven't really touched The Drift for months and for good reason. As it stands now, the film is terrible: full of jagged, unrelated (thematic or film) L-cuts and references, horrendous exposition, and a fractured, jazzy editing device that comes off as juvenile at best. Why can't I work with this material very well, or rather am I destined to never finish this film?

In the past month, I shot, edited, and exhibited a short film for a gallery opening. The length of the film was 13 minutes. I've been working on this film, off and on, since 2005, yet it remains wholly unfinished, unedited, and nonexistent as far as I'm concerned. What do I do?

I've also changed as a person from when I began the film to now, so my thoughts on the material have also changed. I look at it as a series of memories, in Final Cut Pro bin folders, much like one's articles in a filing cabinet. I don't see light at the end of the tunnel.

As I've stated before, I have no filmmakers to work with on this. I know I need editing assistance, a questioning co-director to constantly berate me on why I included what I did, and where things are going. As it stands, I'm still going at this alone, not knowing if what I'm doing is amounting to more than merely finishing this damn thing.

As a first time feature filmmaker, this is a nightmare. A nightmare of terrible sound, queasy camera work, shaky editing, with no end in sight. All funding I've applied for, with would allow me to hire an editor, fell through, so I'm left adrift (no pun intended).

So, where do things go from here? Well, I'll give it one last shot, and I mean that. If, in the coming weeks and months things don't drastically improve, i.e. I get my ass in gear and try or somehow figure my way out of this mess, I am ending the production of the film and shelving it indefinitely. I have other ideas I'd like to work with and am stalled, both artistically and professionally. This is it, I'm afraid. I like so much of what I shot, feel that the material is strong enough to sustain itself, but I am stuck in the editing, unable to think clearly about the material at all. Looking back on what I worked on for a few months last year, I'm filled with a crushing disappointment.

I hope the next post will be filled with a joyous relief, that things have moved along, and the film is beginning to feel like one. As of now, however, I'm close to letting this one go and starting over.

Notes after a long absence

2008-05-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

Six months down, nothing to show for it. I took a (better than) minimum wage job, which drained me physically and mentally. As I am no longer working (which won't last for long), I am finally picking up the debris of that time.

Well, reality set in. I cannot edit audio at all and as for video, I'm no better than your average high schooler syncing Linkin Park to Vampire Hunter D. Maybe it can be pulled off. I realized that I can't do this alone and considering my locale, I know no editors or sound mixers. I have little or no connections to the filmmaking community, adding insult to injury.

But with time misspent, mistakes adding up like debt, I'm hoping to have The Drift finished by the end of the summer, with work starting now. It begs for completion. I need to finish this damn film before it's too late.

So, I suppose this is an open ended question for the few who may frequent this blog. Do you have people who work in sound who could help? I would like every avenue paved to make the best film possible.

Honey or tar

2007-11-14T17:07:00.000-08:00

One month down, once again.

Having just moved two weeks ago, adjusting to things, I haven't picked up the slack of the past few months. I'm afraid that I'm further removed from finishing this film than I ever was.

Though I've been inactive (or apathetic), the subject of this film is currently visiting. It's good to see him and seeing him in the flesh has (at least) had me reconsider my approach to The Drift. I'm hoping to thin things out while he's here, filming wise, and maybe I'll be inspired to go further.

I don't expect to update for some time and hopefully I'd have made progress in that time.

Ways of seeing

2007-10-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what happened, but between early September and now, I've felt all ambition and drive to finish this film decrease dramatically. Whether it's due to not being able to meet (realistic) deadlines or being overly frustrated with my slow, mawkish editing skills, I've felt less and less able to finish at all.

So what now, then? I thought some time away from The Drift would've suited me well and it's been nearly a month since I've touched anything. I looked at the opening half hour today, as it stutters its points across, and was a bit dismayed. The sound is terrible, only a handful of the edits work or feel justified, and I still have over two hours to complete.

Much of my problems have to do with where I am living and how I make a living. To give some of you an idea, I live in a shoebox outside of a living room, with a sliding door and no privacy. It's simply impossible to concentrate at all. I'm also unemployed, so I'm not valuing my day as much as I did before, looking forward to things and such. So I have no privacy, but freedom to work whenever I feel like it.

When filmmakers hit slogs, what do they do? I have no film friends nearby to confide in or get advice from, no filmmakers left in town to talk shit over with, and not a dime to spend on anything else related to this film. I wish I could afford an editor more than anything. I also feel freed of the stress I had before because I put things aside for a bit. I no longer care if this film never sees the light of day and aside from a handful of people involved in the film, who else does it matter to?

I hate to use this venue for such bitchy rants, but I don't know what do anymore. I don't feel empowered to finish and life moves along as usual. I'd like to put this project behind me, but right now it's impossible to devote myself to it as I'd like.

Hiatus

2007-09-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been unable to work, to be honest. I've found that all of the material I have is a bit overwhelming and that my expertise as an editor is, well, kind of a joke. So I'm taking a break for awhile and will probably, sadly, miss further deadlines I'd been working towards.

In the meantime, I'm running out of cash and need to find work, so things might be on the back burner once again. At this time, I don't have the chops to move forward.

One year later

2007-09-11T21:12:00.000-07:00

"It may be true that one has to choose between ethics and aesthetics, but it is no less true that whichever one chooses, one will always find the other at the end of the road." - J.L.G.

It's hard to believe that today (well, yesterday now...) was the final day of shooting this film, on September 11th, 2006.

In that time, I've done nothing but be frustrated about my financial situation, brood about how disappointed I was in not finishing this film sooner, and well, everything else that came with this year, the year of my discontent. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I was a tad bit relieved to be finished shooting, a film which could've been called No End In Sight had it gone on. Indeed as everything ended, it really ended.

So here things are one year later, still unfinished, but in more progress than before. It was quite some time since I'd spoken to David, but this week I got a call. It's strange looking at a moving image of someone as they speak to you.

I had quite a bit of trouble in the past week, finding my way with this film. I debate between the "necessary" choices (long speeches, exposition, trajectories) and "unnecessary" ones (finding which images/sounds work best filmically), trying to find either a middle ground or a space where both could coexist. I'm finding that this is something of an impossibility, given the "urgency" of the subject matter, but I filmed everything to exist via cutting one image to the next. The question is do they work together, is there a tension between one shot to the next, and is this enough to keep my interest?

I'd been keeping notebooks, ideas from which I pull story related matters, images and sounds, and structural thoughts down on paper. In many ways, this is a terrible idea, because not only has it thrown me off editing, but it's given me an incorrect impression of what I have, causing me to fumble as I piece things together. Oh well.

I'm hoping for more progress soon, even if it's to build a structure and tear it down. I'm sick to death of this box of 100 or so tapes staring at me, the 15 or so hours from Iraq, etc. that David shot, and I just wish to move on. In the meantime, this is me just living with what I have on my plate, trying to build something out of so much.

Still can't fucking believe it's been a year, though.

This and this

2007-09-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I know now what it takes to make a feature length film: everyfuckingthing.

I went through the wringer this week, trying to conform all of the footage I shot in 29.97fps to 23.98 fps. Of course, this came with so many issues, such horrendous consequences, that I am now re-importing 20 or so hours once again to 29.97fps, for good. These technical mishaps, my fault for taking the advice of others and being impatient and fickle, have set me back and continue to do so. Again, here I am not making this damn movie.

On the other hand, having to go through the first twenty hours of this film was rewarding: I found "missing" footage from David and his family, reviewed footage I had dismissed, and looked at footage I planned on keeping. A bit unnerving, but rewarding still.

The summer is over and all I got were three hard drives filled to the brim with footage. Every sequence I finished I need to redo and I still have no coherent structure perse, just notes and a few fleeting ideas. The more I think about what I want this film to be, the more the footage changes when I view it, the more I am unnerved.

I'm still trying to push for deadlines, but I don't know anymore. I need to put in 10 hour days for this to be done on time...who knows. I want nothing more than to be finished, content, and ready to move from Binghamton, but alas, none of those are happening or have happened.

I also have no footage of David in Crawford, Texas in 2005 and Seattle in 2006. I couldn't go on those trips, sadly, and those who had footage of him in those places have lost it. I'm waiting to contact someone from Veterans for Peace regarding a clip of David in Seattle...hopefully that'll work out.

Note to self on next project: edit as you shoot, drink more, no handheld images (less Lars von Trier and more Pedro Costa), and try to secure funds. This is impossibly tough.

Work and days

2007-08-23T21:09:00.000-07:00

I'm less than twenty tapes away from finishing the (exhausting) logging and capturing process into my fancy-schmancy "post-production suite" (i.e. laptop in my bedroom).

For better or worse, this film will be lengthy for a documentary, given Hollywood comedies now clock in at 2.5 hours and documentaries usually under 1.5...a swap in running times needed, methinks. I'm not going to L-cut as much as I thought I would (non-sync sound image/sound combination), but will instead go the route of long, single-take speeches and scenes. It's impossible for me to narrow everything I need down to McNugget sound-bytes, nor would I conceive of such a thing, given the time I've put into this thing. I'm hoping for strong enough "scenes" or shots to hold everything together. In other words, more Jean Eustache and less PBS.

It is Eustache and his remarkable The Mother and the Whore where I find inspiration right now, especially when David (in the above photo) speaks for long stretches of time, much like Jean-Pierre Leaud's character in the Eustache.

I realize, also, that I'm dealing with drastically different material from 2005 than 2006. Not only was I better trained behind the (somewhat) clunky DVX-100, but I was less interested in capturing "the moment" up-close, but reflecting on what was in front of me. The latter philosophy has been a guiding force for future projects.

I will be posting video/photos here soon, so please check back. Until then, the above photo is the first I've posted on this page.

Out of the blue

2007-08-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Well, it's definitely a no-go for the IFP Doc Labs. I've been very behind and somewhat lost, but at least able to decide what to keep and not to keep. Still logging tapes (yes, I shot quite a bit) and still spending too much time slackin'. But the end is near for The Drift, thankfully.

Not sure what to do when I finish this damn thing. I suppose a November date would seem apt, but I don't quite know which festivals happen at what time of year. But this project will be held together with bubble gum, make no mistake.

After all is said and done, when I can find a new project to spend nearly three years on...I should secure some kind of funding first. Either way, feeling good these days.

The struggle

2007-08-03T23:15:00.001-07:00

Since I began production on this film, I've struggled with its form, how to piece it together, how to make something fresh, coherent, and bold. I've wondered how it could unfold, how to make each image and sound a surprise to the senses. How to resist the temptation to make an easily digested work.

Well, I've noticed throughout this process that I didn't quite know what I had. Last month I even shot a new beginning, thinking that the film needed to lunge into David's (this film's guiding force) world so to speak. Except of course that this film is a reflection on the filmmaking process at times and that David, who is also a filmmaker, might be directing me as much as I him. Having gone through over thirty tapes so far, logging minutes here and there, I finally found a coherent beginning, one that even matches some of the so-called "second unit" work I shot last month in and around the same neighborhood where this new beginning is. And they work together as a piece.

I've been working on and off, finding myself frustrated and scared at times, others content and wistful. For every few times I get discouraged, I am paid back by viewing sequences which remind me why I kept making this film in the first place. It's hard to say now where this film is going because I still have 60 or so hours left to log, but it's beginning to make more and more sense, filmically, now. To think that each tape could be in a plastic bin right now, or that I could've finished a year ago, is irrelevant. I am finally, finally, working.

Apples I'm Home

2007-07-26T09:36:00.000-07:00

Well, since I last posted, I have spent a great deal of time trying to complete a nearly 20 minute sequence. I have a great deal of sound work left, and some rearrangements to do, but it's mostly done.

I don't have the energy I had when I first began "re-editing" or actually beginning. I'm hoping that in the next few days, I'll be able to begin again. But this week has been mostly bust.

Well, I probably won't make the deadline for the IFP Doc Labs at this point. I can't see how in 6 weeks this will be a completed or even rough cut. It's a bummer for sure, but oh well.

A brighter summer day

2007-07-08T12:51:00.000-07:00

I got a new DV deck, a small Panasonic, which works great....for now.

I lost a good week because of the Canon incident, but I began working again two days ago. About 10-15 tapes down out of about 90.

I'm trying to make a September 10th deadline for IFC Doc Labs...we'll see if that pans out. I think a solid two months of work is left, at least. Some days editing is thrilling, productive, others depressing, lazy. If I can use about 6-8 hours of my day for this project, I'll be good to go.

First snag

2007-06-26T00:33:00.001-07:00

I recently bought a Canon ZR40 to use as a deck for this film, a huge mistake. A tape, not so crucial thankfully, was eaten this evening. I'm officially done with Canon.

Here's hoping the next DV cam won't be such a piece of shit.

The rules of the game

2007-06-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

Well, things are going finally. After months of delays, a near year of laziness, I'm finally beginning the long, tedious editing process. Though it's been exciting so far, teaching myself how to see this material again, and remain calm throughout the whole process. The new MacBook Pro ain't a small feat either, having the process breeze along, with Final Cut Pro Studio finally working.

So, things are looking OK for now. I'm working on sequences and scenes instead of one tape at a time, given the above photo showing the hours and hours of work I still have to edit. It's working so far.

Person Pitch

2007-05-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I want to thank Michael Tully for linking my page on his Indiewire blog here: http://blogs.indiewire.com/tully/. Thanks for the kind words, once again.

I'm finally moved, haven't unpacked a fucking thing, but am settling in my new home. I overlook a few abandoned buildings and the sights are, well, typical of what can be expected of Upstate NY. But I love it.

In the next week or so I'll (re)begin post-production. I now have time to finish things, even if I was just given nays on grants and funding sources (all announced today, oddly), but oh well.

Keep checking this space for posts. Thanks again, Mike!

The past is a grotesque animal

2007-05-16T20:21:00.000-07:00

It's been months since I've posted anything here, but in many ways, I've had little to say about filmmaking or this film in particular. Basically since beginning full time work, I've had little time to focus on the production of this film, now retitled as "The Drift". My father passed away unexpectedly in March, making it a near impossibility to focus, let alone want to work on this film at all. In reality, I've had little time and no ambition.

In the meantime, these past few months, I've completely forgotten who I was or where I was going. Or what I wanted. I'm somewhere else now. I'm moving, once again, in less than two weeks, and will be unemployed soon after that. I'm purchasing a new Mac in the coming weeks, so a faster and more efficient computer can see through this film's completion, which I will spend all summer finishing.

In many ways, I need to finish this film. I wish my dad could've seen it, instead he faded away not ever seeing a single film of mine. I also need to finish it to move the fuck on, the work on other things. I'm giving myself about three months to work on it, that's it. I've had nearly a year to mull over materials, which I haven't done, and have squandered many opportunities I could've looked into, such as grants or film festivals. By the time everything is said and done, the film's subject matter may even be dated, which scares me. But oh well.

So, hopefully by my next posting, I'll actually have something to say about this film's progress, instead of bullshitting my way out of why I hadn't done anything.

The drift

2007-01-29T21:00:00.000-08:00

Well, since the last post, the new year came, I turned 25, and the film is exactly where I left off.

However, a dramatic shift in between occurred: I've begun full time work and I'm fully prepared to finish this damn film. I can't say that I've been at all productive, kept my promises, or am even being remotely interesting in this space. I am, however, trying to do all of those things.

To be fair, I feel, in retrospect, that I needed a break from the materials for this film. It was a long shoot, exhausting emotionally, and I am only beginning to understand (from a distance) where I was going or trying to accomplish. I advise all filmmakers to log and capture as you shoot, by the way. I'm painfully behind, yes, and have only a fraction of the work done, as well. But the drive to finish this film is two fold: to move on to other projects and to, well, move, somewhere other than Binghamton. Taking this project with me being a good first step.

So, hopefully when I type my next post it'll be on a new computer, allowing me faster editing time and updated software. My time might be lessened by full time work, but as a part timer since the summer of 2005, it's proved to be worthwhile only while working on this film, shooting that is. Not having a computer job right now, or being under the paralyzing glow of florescent lighting, gives my eyes a nice break for editing.

I'm thrilled to be motivated again, even if it's to finish and move on.

The road

2006-12-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

I'm wondering why this time of year makes me so apathetic and unmotivated.

As the winter is just setting in (nearly a month and half too late), I'm finding many problems surfacing, both personal and filmic, and have been rather uneasy as a result. Looking back on last year's posts, which were pessimistic but oddly deterministic, it makes me realize that little has changed.

Even though I've finished shooting this film, I'm in no hurry to finish editing it. It's hard to spend nearly two years shooting and then expect to be edited in four months. I have no projected finish date, nor do I care to create one. I have no one to finish this film for but myself, the subject, and friends and family who graciously assisted me throughout production.

I should also mention that it appears as if my family will be moving soon. Having been unable to concentrate living here, let alone the mindset to edit, has been another factor. Moving on top of this means little time to do anything.

So this will be on hiatus for a bit. I might post soon, but it depends on whether the film has made progress.

Tout va bien

2006-11-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm finally beginning the long and tedious, as well as enlightening editing process. The hardest thing, for me, is finding a substantial beginning, and not giving away too much or teasing with miniscule details. I've also decided to eliminate visual and sound elements which don't "work", i.e. aren't especially interesting as cinema, even if that means removing details and impressions about the subject of this film.

I'm still quite unsure about what this film will look like in the end, as I'm sticking to impressions and thoughts I have in the editing process only, and not taking notes aside from technical ones. There are "unnecessary" segments, ones which work as cinema (I feel) which might clash with, perhaps, less interesting segments which work as details and history. There was never a great combination of cinema and detail, I've found, but alot can be solved with eliminating either the sound or visual, creating cinema, not importing it directly from the master tapes. That to me might be the greatest obstacle.

I've been looking at films lately that I think work extremely well as edited works: "Sans Soleil" and "Edvard Munch", as well as "Portrait of Jason" and "Les Amants du Pont-Neuf." I don't know if I have the ability, considering how much of this film works this way, of shattering the "fourth dimension", time, and arranging things out of order. There are things such as the visuals from Iraq that fit with the footage from last year and this year that disrupts a strict timeline, but with my own footage, it's more difficult. As the sole camera and sound man, I know where I was and what I was thinking with every shot it seems. How to disrupt that as well and move forward, slicing things and arranging them achronologically, is a big obstacle for me. Things seem to work best as presented from beginning to end, and sometimes only work this way, but others are "less important", such as interviews, where I could easily arrange the audio and visuals out of order. However, I'm finding these things to be quite uninteresting, typical, and to be honest, boring to watch and edit: perhaps I should make due without them and see what I think in the end.

Well, I suppose until the next post, I will still be in the infancy of post-production, but I think it's better this way. As long as I can work on this in my own terms, all is well.

The future

2006-10-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

Well, again, it's hard to believe it's been a month since I posted last. It seems like the past month, for me, has been some kind of quiet relief, reeling from the last month's emotional trauma.

Little has happened since with this project in the past month, sadly. I'm only beginning to feel the urge to begin post-production and perhaps that has something to do with winter approaching once again. It's been almost a year since I started this blog which, to me, is quite shocking. I went from serious doubt, sincerely believing that I'd been mistaken with undertaking a project I had no time or money for, and a year later I feel quietly assured that I have a film, even if I'm still doubtful.

It's still incredibly terrifying, all of this, especially making my first "feature length" work, after only working in short non-narrative film for years. Like some, I do fear failure or worse, the sense that I've hit somewhere between failure and success. Success, right now, would be a job paying $10 an hour and a new MacBook for faster editing. I'd say that fear is a large reason why I'm not rushing into post-production and doing any sort of promotion for this film at all.

Perhaps another reason why I'm not rushing is a sense of being content with my current state of living. Mind you, living in Upstate New York at this time of year is gorgeous and affirms most of my feelings about the beauty of some of this area. I like the idea of things in general being incomplete, in progress, and not necessarily on some path to completion. There will come a time when a drastic change in my life must happen, and I know 2007 will be everything this year wasn't in that sense. But for the remainder of the year, despite having accomplished so little in the traditional sense of money and the such, I don't mind being poor and having this film still be incomplete.

So I'm not sure when I can promise any sort of finished work. I have to sift through ten hours of video footage from my subject, a couple of interviews to shoot, and then all's done. Still hard to believe. I'm also shooting another project on the side which I'll discuss later. I'm just waiting for a good shove to finish all of this.

What time is it there?

2006-09-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I resumed production of this film, after a few shifts in the subject's life made me anxious and worried that I was about to miss something important in his life. Well, truth be told, it was a good instinct. As of this past Monday, production of this film (with a few exceptions, minor at that) has been completed. A 19 month (off and on) shoot, exhausting and invigorating at that, is over.

I'm really not sure how I feel about it, now that it's over. Surely, I'm relieved, as this has been the single most exhausting film that I've ever attempted, and looking at its budget and scope (in terms of hours shot, time spent shooting), the longest as well. I've learned more about the human condition and humanity than from any book I've read, piece of music I've listened to, or film I've seen. It tested my patience, sometimes shooting three hours in one day (some even without cutting for a whole 60 minute tape), as well as with times when I wasn't shooting at all.

But I lost a friend as well, even if the subject and I began as interviewee and interviewer. By loss, I don't mean that our friendship is over, because that's not true at all, but now that he's no longer in my area to hang out with or talk to, it's like being cut off, which nothing can really change.

Looking back on this shoot, I can say that when I began, I certainly didn't seeing it ending this way, by both events and when I finished filming. When I began shooting, I thought I'd be interviewing many soldiers, listening to their war stories, trying to make something out of this horrendous mess, but that has long been disengaged, changed. I don't know when making an anti-war film ended and a film about this individual began. I gave up the idea of making an anti-war film (even if when it's finished, it mildly resembles one) well over a year ago, and decided to examine this guy and see where it led me. It began with a mild agenda, and ended with me not especially having one at all.

I was asked why I kept working on this film the way I have been, by a close friend appearing throughout. I don't know why, really, and couldn't provide a substantial answer at all. I guess why a writer keeps returning to a character out of necessity or a chef keeps using the same ingredients in a dish. It just seemed like the only thing to do, few things clouding this.

I now have nearly ninety hours to slice down to about two hours. Half of which I can toss away out of the material's repetitiveness. Now that there's a set beginning to end, things make sense, but still feel abstract. I should also add that I'm trying to transition into full time work, when and if I find a job which can pay for the unpaid debts I've accumulated since beginning my undergraduate studies. It wouldn't hurt to upgrade to a new Mac as well, but we'll see.

Since this film's production was attached to my hip so long, now that it's been detached, I do feel a sense of loss. Perhaps I've never put it in these terms, but every choice I've made since shooting has been in regards to this film's production: my flexible part time work schedule, buying fewer grocieries, living at home, giving less money to the Criterion Collection, and dropping everything to see through this film's shoot. My lifestyle is completely different now. I see how filthy my bedroom is, how bare my bank account is, and how unprepared for the future I am. However, first thing's first: I need to finish this film soon. I'm still hoping for February, but I said that about last February. We'll see.

Playtime

2006-08-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling more assured lately with this film. I came across this quote written Robert Bresson from his Notes on the Cinematographer, that I feel apply to how I will be piecing this film together:

"Dig into your sensation. Look at what is there within. Don't analyze it with words. Translate it into sister images, into equivalent sounds. The clearer it is, the more your style affirms itself."

I've almost entirely given up, mentally, of showing some kind of picturebook story. I'm relying solely on pieces where I can use sound and image to create an experience. I've given up on plot, on progression in the theatrical sense, and on any kind of journalistic sensibilities I thought I once had.

This will also cut chunks of footage, decapatating the literal and the theorhetical. It's become more and more apparent that this is a film that few might be interested in, given the way I've talked to others (friends and family excluded) about it. Since I'm not producing agitprop in the post-Robert Greenwald vaccum of documentary filmmaking, who gives a fuck with what I may be doing, so why not go my own way?

I've shot only minimally since my last post, but it's a crucial minimum. And I'm hoping to obtain footage from Seattle, where the subject of this film was at, for a VFP conference.

I'm really pushing for a February cut, so I desperately need to think in these terms, to finish finally. It's been a year and half long pregnancy, and for a first film, suffocatingly sad and exciting.

A little more blue

2006-07-30T17:39:00.000-07:00

I'm finding myself more and more helpless in terms of how and when this film will be finished. In a week, the subject of this film will be heading to Seattle to speak at a Veterans for Peace and IVAW (Iraq Veterans Against the War) conference and I am financially unable to go. Not too different from last year with Crawford, Texas. I think financial matters like this have made this project suffer and will undoubtedly be a detriment to the "end result."

Still shooting these days, and little if any editing. I have an opening sequence in Final Cut Pro but little else...it can basically be shaped and pieced together anyway at this point. I think it's best to begin editing once I'm totally finished shooting.

I'm also in a period where I need to make decisions beyond this project, specifically day-job and leaving Binghamton related. There's little hope in any filmmaker living and actively making projects here, and a change of scenery can at least give me new things to shoot and new ideas to pen. I don't shoot nearly as much as I did last year, mostly because of the lack of material to gather.

I've promised myself that by February of this coming year, a full two years after I began filming and a year after I hoped to be finished, I am finishing a final cut. There's a good chance that my subject might be elsewhere anyway, so I might be finished in that sense. But I need to begin to save money to pay off debt from college and misc. things such as the camera I bought two years ago and god knows what else.

After this film is finished, irregardless if it gets into festivals or shown anywhere, I'm possibly moving abroad to teach English with companies that pay at least twice as much as your typical post-college grad would make (or in my case right now, three and a half times more). Filmmaking possiblities are greater in both Western Europe and in East Asia, the two areas I'm contemplating a move to. Not to mention, I'll have friends to be around.

If there's any distribution/marketing plan I have, it's to sell DVDs. I doubt this film will ever get a theatrical run, given the production qualities and my lack of a producer, which is fine. If I can sell 40 DVDs, it'd recoup most of my investments into this film.

The painted word

2006-07-02T18:46:00.000-07:00

I find it hard to believe that's been a month since my last update.

Well, editing has been postponed until further notice. I've resumed shooting once again and will until need be. I feel the much needed bits and pieces of material are, well, materializing. I've also not had the time to edit, or the peace of mind lately. I've been running around, traveling with the change in my pocket, and working more than usual (which still isn't much). And considering I am shooting new material, editing before this period is over muddies the waters and shields the necessary clarity I need.

It pains me to say it but I don't think I will be finished this year. Which means two years of my life (on and off of course, mostly off) will have been put to use on one film. Jesus. I don't have the time or money to finish by year's end, and I will be working again fulltime come fall out of dire necessity. I've been working part time for over a year now and it's not enough...and much needed post production work cannot be done without sufficient funding, which I will have to save up for.

I am very glad, however, that I was derailed for awhile, as it occurred to me that the first twenty or so minutes is absolutely horrendous: no clarity, quick pointless cuts, and rushed. I will be starting from scratch when all necessary materials are shot, and begin once again. The new material is clearing up things for me enormously, and I am finally finding a (somewhat) clear path to trudge through.

In the meantime, I will try to update more, even if they're long bitchy posts. In the end, I hope, I can make a decent film and look back on this blog with (some) hindsight.

Seagreen serenades

2006-06-02T22:40:00.000-07:00

Officially, I've been rejected for every grant I've applied for. This whole funding thing is a frustrating mystery...how some can find $100,000 and others nothing at all. I hate the term "independent" when it comes to describing a certain film genre, but this is very much one I guess...I've had no "crew" or assistants or producers or anything fanciful that comes with a "normal" film production.

Nothing much more to say, aside from a ghastly heat wave that paralyzed me for a few days. I haven't touched this film in almost two weeks, and I'm forseeing a few days off in the future, so that'll be nice. I'll try to update more.

I'd like to walk around in your mind

2006-05-26T13:42:00.001-07:00

Having spent the greater part of the last month in a kind of paralyzing limbo, both due to inactivity on this film and awaiting funding responses, I've been given a bit of peace from this project. I was rejected by NYFA for their fellowship grant, a substantial blow to my dwindling finances and little if any budget for this film, and am awaiting a second response from another organization.

However, I've temporarily resumed filming, out of necessity for the progress of the film. A few startling developments have occurred, glad to have my camera in toe, I was able to capture most of everything. This project has brought so many twists and turns, bleeding into my own life, that my sanity ebbs and flows with this project. Also, this has been one of the most emotionally draining experiences I've had, having both sympathy and frustrations with the subject of the film, and hoping that some kind of resolution would happen down the line.

While looking over some other footage, I've realized that this is some kind of bizarro road movie, where most "confessions" or discussions happen on the road (in cars) or in transit (walking, etc.). It's something I need to keep in mind while cutting, but without (as of now) not being finished with the filming part, I still see everything as rather disconnected and unmarried.

I don't see how I can bring this mammoth project with me to graduate school. Before I go, this needs to be finished, but that, as of now, isn't possible. I might stay in Binghamton longer, and though I'll be kicking and screaming the entire time, it's kind of necessary.

I've also given thought about, when this project is finished, who in their right minds would pay to see it. It's not necessarily anti-war, nor is it specifically about the war at all. I guess, in the end, it's about a man lost in his decisions, his poverty, and the hands feeding him in all directions. The military, acting like the parental figure conservatives claim to abhor in "big government", gives one (though training or brainwashing), a sense of camaraderie, longing, and in the end, income. Who can blame the poor for being in the military, or who can blame the poor for shopping at Wal*Mart, especially when social programs seem to be taboo these days. Does anyone, even the 29% defending Bush, really feel that the America of today is even worth defending, given the lack of community, love, and peace within this country?

Realizing that half of the fucking year is over, and I've little to show for it, I'd be happy if, by the end of the summer, I'm at least half way through editing. I need to move on, but also need to make a decent film. I've invested too much time (more than anything) that rushing this process would be the greatest blow to this film.

I can say, however, that this film is nothing like what I hope to be working on in the future. I do like the idea of collecting footage, then editing, not necessarily scripting but having an idea in mind, and finishing quickly. I am only 24, but I've been out of school for two years and have not finished a new project since. The majority of my limitations are my own, sure, but I feel my lack of completing work is also a result of being in a town filled with such despair, inadequacy, and boredom. Being in New York a few weeks ago, the energy and ambitiousness was contageous, and arriving back was a sense of frozen time, dead and inconsequential.

I admire others I know, most of which are leaving the area in the coming months. They planned to leave, have some future plans in the works. This project, in a way, has kept me here. After it's finished, I desperately need a new change of scenery.

A little longing goes away

2006-04-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

So spring is arriving, as are allergies, and cabin fever couldn't be less exciting.

The past two weeks were pretty progressive for me, even if I moved a mere few inches in (what seems to be) the right direction. I took a couple of weeks off from editing, assuming that I would come back to it quite easily, but then the temperatures rose, sunshine became commonplace, and I spent most of my time (when I wasn't working) out and about, not editing or filming. Then I decided, yeah, your five hundred dollar investment isn't so appealing anymore, is it? So I let the nice weather pass me by, put up a bed sheet around my windows, and thought things over.

About 25 minutes edited so far, the material which I can only describe as "the beginning" or stuff I have to get across (and through) so I can, in essence, do what I really want to do, which I am not sure that is, really. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what I think of it so far...it's a bit more different when lined up and pieced together, as opposed to on separate tapes. But I kind of like it, perhaps.

What I've mostly discovered while going through this process are my horrendous weaknesses, low points, insecurities, and failures as a "filmmaker," all of which I value more than things I find personal solace and happiness in. I'm terrible with sound, first and foremost, and have no idea how to fix audio pops, gliches, and peaks. Oh well. I also rely on the obvious sometimes, and as an editor, I find myself more interested in getting over some imaginary hurdle discovering and/or creating a "great moment." There might be great moments than I am unaware of, because I am unfortunately more inamored in technical and theorhetical problems at the moment.

I'm also having trouble jumping from one thing to another, which as silly and basic as it sounds, is really difficult for me, with this project. I filmed in such a way, on the go, on the run, whenever I could meet up with my subject, whenever I had the cash to film, that it shows. And perhaps not in an interesting or particularly artistic way, but more in the "production values," a term I really hate. At this stage, at this point in the film, it doesn't work and perhaps there's a way I can get around it. But right now, I'm just trying to finish A CUT, then either disband it and start from the beginning or fix what I can. We'll see.

For me, this process is more or less a learning experience, which as chiche as it sounds, is one of the few times that I've worked in film where I feel like I'm learning. No professor over my shoulder or critique in class or polite round of applause, it's something else entirely. Right now, with my slow moving and/or laziness, as well as the way I work, who knows when it'll be finished.

Back to the weather. It's been a calming change, this warmer weather. I realize what I'm missing by editing in my dark quarters, that I jump from an eight hour work day on my feet to sitting at my computer for four hours, then go straight to bed. I wonder how some filmmakers manage to use all of their free time to make films, how wonderful that must be. But am I ready to do such a thing, or do I deserve that?

Pending some bizarre chance that I won't have to further my education (and or invest another half-decade in shitty just-above-minimum-wage work), I'm considering just moving somewhere and starting another project once this is said and done. Something less specific but not necessarily more abstract, but the idea of being elsewhere and doing something else (both with my life and with a new work) sounds liberating right now.

A way of life

2006-03-17T13:11:00.000-08:00

I think I have a solid eleven minutes edited, thusfar. I expect, in the end, to make a ridiculously long cut and pare it down. With so much material gathered, as well as the subject explaining multiple times a specific situation and/or event, I expect to shift things around quite a bit.

It's a weird time for me right now, editing this film. Not quite sure why, but my mentality has shifted (I guess) from editing mentally to physically cutting, slicing bits of time and images off here and there. I suppose I was very invested in this project (not at all financially -- for those curious, I spent about $330 on the actual shooting and almost $250 on hard drives -- less than an enjoyable weekend or cheap week in New York), and seeing things I liked initially being removed is like parts of be being removed. Bagh, it's just videotape.

I also realized that I, in the future, need a bit of distance from the material I gather. By this, I mean from the subject and/or subject matter. In a way, this film might be an elaborate home movie (which, like most of my work, fits in well with some themes and tones I use), and that's great, but I feel that I need to be out of the picture completely in future work. Of course, that won't happen with a new project I'm working on now (or just beginning), but perhaps, in this other project, I can distance myself in the end. Of course, anything I personally film is dominated by thoughts and emotions I might have, so there's no distance per se, but I'd like a bit of myself removed next time (and if I don't like it, I can revert to my old ways).

What would be nice, however, is some kind of financing next time. Writing the above comment made me realize that, like most living in a capitalist system, anything paid for by someone's own wages is paid for by their labor and time, therefore anything they buy is a part of their labor, time, and life. How can one pay for a camera, tapes, editing software, and other filmmaking costs, out of their own pocket, and feel as if anyone would want anything out of their film? If it's not financed by outside sources, who really gives a fuck other than the film's maker? Is this a bad thing?

Week One, Running Thoughts

2006-02-27T21:53:00.000-08:00

So I've begun the post-production process. Bizarre. Having lived inside of this project, off and on, for the past year, piecing it together is like piecing memories together: where I was when I shot that, what I was thinking, etc. The thoughts behind each tape logged (so far, around 7), is seven hours of my life, as well as my subject's, recorded.

Pending disaster (my computer crashing, an economic and/or emotional disaster), I hope to finish about two months from now. Who knows if it's possible or not.

Thusfar, I have about three minutes edited. A moment, shot on the first day (which almost didn't happen, I was working, and decided to call in "sick"), where the subject describes a sunrise in Iraq. Lasting for about three minutes, the moment shocked me, because I had forgotten I even had it. I was so wrapped up in making sure I pinned down every mundane point, I overlooked the lyrical. I guess it worked out for the best: sometimes procedure rewards filmmakers, as the details between the lines are what counts, not the lines.

Looking over these hours, I am hopeful and nervous, being naive and frightened. I don't see myself as a filmmaker per se. Sure, I film and I edit, but I work in a bookstore as well, where I spend more time than on what I care about (or pretend to care about). Being in my early twenties, and working on a project funded only by myself and a few dashes of good luck, I was somehow able to pull off this strange task. Do I see myself as a career man, even if that career is a filmmaker? I like the idea of drifting in and out of what I do, want to do, and am expected to do, never really belonging in one place. I suppose being a nomad provides such a mindset.

Where I go when I finish? Is it a film for myself only, or will others find interest? Either way, I'm glad this road has a (slight) end in sight.

Ballad of cliches

2006-01-23T18:48:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a reconditioned sale at LaCie, with five hundred gigs of firewire hard drives costing just over $250, I am beginning post-production next week.

If all goes well (which it probably won't), I will hopefully be finished by the end of April. Here's to hoping.

Hiatus

2005-12-07T18:42:00.000-08:00

I was hoping to begin post-production within the next month, but as of today, that's an impossiblity. It's hit me that I am fucking broke (my phone was shut off on Monday), and money that I was hoping for in one lump sum (to program a film series) is instead broken up into a pay period of 15 weeks. Ugh.

So everything is halted for the moment.

The wind

2005-11-29T16:40:00.000-08:00

As I write this, winter's making her grand entrance. It's rainy, windy, and chilly. I'm moving tomorrow and laying amongst the packed boxes and unusually clean living quarters. I'm finishing my last meal in this house as I type.

I looked at some footage last night, to either confirm or deny my pessimistic thoughts on this film. I feel there's about three fourths of a meal on tape so far...what to do, what to do.

I'm not quite sure what I'm lacking either. I've asked my subject the same questions over and over, heard him repeat them to others more eloquently, and so on. Some of the best moments I might have to trim, I fear, due to the length of the film.

I guess what I fear most out of this film is making something either inaccessible or simply boring.

I also realize that working on a project for as long as this, I understand myself more than any college education could teach. For example, how to budget, be constantly aware of promising moments and not lazy, as well as how to understand the human condition. "Respect man without wishing he were more palpable than he is" - Robert Bresson.

For the most part, I simply worry that I won't actually finish this film. I haven't finished a project I made prior to this, as well. With that project, anyway, I simply put it aside because I was out of ideas on how to piece things together. With this project, I have an idea of how to do so, have written things out, and am waiting for a check from the university to buy the proper equipment to complete this thing.

I'm also interested in sending this project to festivals and the such, but by the time I would finish, how many films about the Iraq war will be out, and who'd be interested in another one? And what if the subject matter is dated, and the war ends before I finish? Heh.

"Zig Zag Wanderer"

2005-11-24T10:29:00.000-08:00

This is the first entry I've made about "Zig Zag Wanderer", a film by myself, about an Iraq war veteran seeking conscientious objector status.

First of all, the film is near completion, production wise. I've been shooting since February of 2005, and since then, documenting this soldier's life, as he speaks at anti-war events, spends time with friends, and speaks his mind about the war.

My approach and intentions are not to make an anti-war film, or that political of a film, but a cinematic experience, where the basic elements of film are employed. This isn't a talking-heads film, nor is it an informational documentary.

I've funded the film myself (have spent about $350 so far), and during periods of me not working, production was stopped. When I was working full time as well, I wasn't able to film as much due to time restraints.

I've shot about 55 hours of footage and my subject shot a few hours in Iraq (on his pocket sized Sony DV cam). The format is mini-DV and I shot the film on a Panasonic DVX-100 camera, which I charged on a credit card and took out a loan for. I am editing the film myself, on a 3 year old laptop, and hope to be finished by early February of 2006.

I've never made a documentary before, so my approach was no different than if I were to make a narrative film or an experimental one. I met my subject when I was working in a coffee shop, right after I finished my undergraduate degree, and I knew instantly that he was a cinematic creature, and asked if I could film him. Six months later (or more), I began filming him, as he expressed his dismay with the war, his worries about going back, and what he hopes to do with himself. Integrated into this is the subject's filmmaking, his friends (which in many cases were mutual friends of mine), the progressive movement in Binghamton, NY, the election of a progressive anti-war mayor, a Federal trial with four anti-war activists charged with conspiracy, and a series of road trips.

I hope the film will be elliptical (through visuals and sound), and be more interesting than the subject matter itself. That is every filmmaker's greatest hurdle.