A little longing goes away

So spring is arriving, as are allergies, and cabin fever couldn't be less exciting.

The past two weeks were pretty progressive for me, even if I moved a mere few inches in (what seems to be) the right direction. I took a couple of weeks off from editing, assuming that I would come back to it quite easily, but then the temperatures rose, sunshine became commonplace, and I spent most of my time (when I wasn't working) out and about, not editing or filming. Then I decided, yeah, your five hundred dollar investment isn't so appealing anymore, is it? So I let the nice weather pass me by, put up a bed sheet around my windows, and thought things over.

About 25 minutes edited so far, the material which I can only describe as "the beginning" or stuff I have to get across (and through) so I can, in essence, do what I really want to do, which I am not sure that is, really. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what I think of it so far...it's a bit more different when lined up and pieced together, as opposed to on separate tapes. But I kind of like it, perhaps.

What I've mostly discovered while going through this process are my horrendous weaknesses, low points, insecurities, and failures as a "filmmaker," all of which I value more than things I find personal solace and happiness in. I'm terrible with sound, first and foremost, and have no idea how to fix audio pops, gliches, and peaks. Oh well. I also rely on the obvious sometimes, and as an editor, I find myself more interested in getting over some imaginary hurdle discovering and/or creating a "great moment." There might be great moments than I am unaware of, because I am unfortunately more inamored in technical and theorhetical problems at the moment.

I'm also having trouble jumping from one thing to another, which as silly and basic as it sounds, is really difficult for me, with this project. I filmed in such a way, on the go, on the run, whenever I could meet up with my subject, whenever I had the cash to film, that it shows. And perhaps not in an interesting or particularly artistic way, but more in the "production values," a term I really hate. At this stage, at this point in the film, it doesn't work and perhaps there's a way I can get around it. But right now, I'm just trying to finish A CUT, then either disband it and start from the beginning or fix what I can. We'll see.

For me, this process is more or less a learning experience, which as chiche as it sounds, is one of the few times that I've worked in film where I feel like I'm learning. No professor over my shoulder or critique in class or polite round of applause, it's something else entirely. Right now, with my slow moving and/or laziness, as well as the way I work, who knows when it'll be finished.

Back to the weather. It's been a calming change, this warmer weather. I realize what I'm missing by editing in my dark quarters, that I jump from an eight hour work day on my feet to sitting at my computer for four hours, then go straight to bed. I wonder how some filmmakers manage to use all of their free time to make films, how wonderful that must be. But am I ready to do such a thing, or do I deserve that?

Pending some bizarre chance that I won't have to further my education (and or invest another half-decade in shitty just-above-minimum-wage work), I'm considering just moving somewhere and starting another project once this is said and done. Something less specific but not necessarily more abstract, but the idea of being elsewhere and doing something else (both with my life and with a new work) sounds liberating right now.