I'd like to walk around in your mind

Having spent the greater part of the last month in a kind of paralyzing limbo, both due to inactivity on this film and awaiting funding responses, I've been given a bit of peace from this project. I was rejected by NYFA for their fellowship grant, a substantial blow to my dwindling finances and little if any budget for this film, and am awaiting a second response from another organization.

However, I've temporarily resumed filming, out of necessity for the progress of the film. A few startling developments have occurred, glad to have my camera in toe, I was able to capture most of everything. This project has brought so many twists and turns, bleeding into my own life, that my sanity ebbs and flows with this project. Also, this has been one of the most emotionally draining experiences I've had, having both sympathy and frustrations with the subject of the film, and hoping that some kind of resolution would happen down the line.

While looking over some other footage, I've realized that this is some kind of bizarro road movie, where most "confessions" or discussions happen on the road (in cars) or in transit (walking, etc.). It's something I need to keep in mind while cutting, but without (as of now) not being finished with the filming part, I still see everything as rather disconnected and unmarried.

I don't see how I can bring this mammoth project with me to graduate school. Before I go, this needs to be finished, but that, as of now, isn't possible. I might stay in Binghamton longer, and though I'll be kicking and screaming the entire time, it's kind of necessary.

I've also given thought about, when this project is finished, who in their right minds would pay to see it. It's not necessarily anti-war, nor is it specifically about the war at all. I guess, in the end, it's about a man lost in his decisions, his poverty, and the hands feeding him in all directions. The military, acting like the parental figure conservatives claim to abhor in "big government", gives one (though training or brainwashing), a sense of camaraderie, longing, and in the end, income. Who can blame the poor for being in the military, or who can blame the poor for shopping at Wal*Mart, especially when social programs seem to be taboo these days. Does anyone, even the 29% defending Bush, really feel that the America of today is even worth defending, given the lack of community, love, and peace within this country?

Realizing that half of the fucking year is over, and I've little to show for it, I'd be happy if, by the end of the summer, I'm at least half way through editing. I need to move on, but also need to make a decent film. I've invested too much time (more than anything) that rushing this process would be the greatest blow to this film.

I can say, however, that this film is nothing like what I hope to be working on in the future. I do like the idea of collecting footage, then editing, not necessarily scripting but having an idea in mind, and finishing quickly. I am only 24, but I've been out of school for two years and have not finished a new project since. The majority of my limitations are my own, sure, but I feel my lack of completing work is also a result of being in a town filled with such despair, inadequacy, and boredom. Being in New York a few weeks ago, the energy and ambitiousness was contageous, and arriving back was a sense of frozen time, dead and inconsequential.

I admire others I know, most of which are leaving the area in the coming months. They planned to leave, have some future plans in the works. This project, in a way, has kept me here. After it's finished, I desperately need a new change of scenery.