What time is it there?

A few months ago, I resumed production of this film, after a few shifts in the subject's life made me anxious and worried that I was about to miss something important in his life. Well, truth be told, it was a good instinct. As of this past Monday, production of this film (with a few exceptions, minor at that) has been completed. A 19 month (off and on) shoot, exhausting and invigorating at that, is over.

I'm really not sure how I feel about it, now that it's over. Surely, I'm relieved, as this has been the single most exhausting film that I've ever attempted, and looking at its budget and scope (in terms of hours shot, time spent shooting), the longest as well. I've learned more about the human condition and humanity than from any book I've read, piece of music I've listened to, or film I've seen. It tested my patience, sometimes shooting three hours in one day (some even without cutting for a whole 60 minute tape), as well as with times when I wasn't shooting at all.

But I lost a friend as well, even if the subject and I began as interviewee and interviewer. By loss, I don't mean that our friendship is over, because that's not true at all, but now that he's no longer in my area to hang out with or talk to, it's like being cut off, which nothing can really change.

Looking back on this shoot, I can say that when I began, I certainly didn't seeing it ending this way, by both events and when I finished filming. When I began shooting, I thought I'd be interviewing many soldiers, listening to their war stories, trying to make something out of this horrendous mess, but that has long been disengaged, changed. I don't know when making an anti-war film ended and a film about this individual began. I gave up the idea of making an anti-war film (even if when it's finished, it mildly resembles one) well over a year ago, and decided to examine this guy and see where it led me. It began with a mild agenda, and ended with me not especially having one at all.

I was asked why I kept working on this film the way I have been, by a close friend appearing throughout. I don't know why, really, and couldn't provide a substantial answer at all. I guess why a writer keeps returning to a character out of necessity or a chef keeps using the same ingredients in a dish. It just seemed like the only thing to do, few things clouding this.

I now have nearly ninety hours to slice down to about two hours. Half of which I can toss away out of the material's repetitiveness. Now that there's a set beginning to end, things make sense, but still feel abstract. I should also add that I'm trying to transition into full time work, when and if I find a job which can pay for the unpaid debts I've accumulated since beginning my undergraduate studies. It wouldn't hurt to upgrade to a new Mac as well, but we'll see.

Since this film's production was attached to my hip so long, now that it's been detached, I do feel a sense of loss. Perhaps I've never put it in these terms, but every choice I've made since shooting has been in regards to this film's production: my flexible part time work schedule, buying fewer grocieries, living at home, giving less money to the Criterion Collection, and dropping everything to see through this film's shoot. My lifestyle is completely different now. I see how filthy my bedroom is, how bare my bank account is, and how unprepared for the future I am. However, first thing's first: I need to finish this film soon. I'm still hoping for February, but I said that about last February. We'll see.